know when to let go | november 2016

Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. 

But, I promise you it's not as hard as holding on to someone who will never love you back.

At the beginning of this year, I met someone. He was charming, sweet, funny, kind and had the most gorgeous big blue eyes. We’d stay up talking until it was almost physically impossible to keep our eyes open, usually around 7am we’d bid each other goodnight and gush over how wished we could continue speaking. Anyone who knows me, knows how quickly I fall for someone and I fell. I fell so hard that I didn’t know if I was ever going to get back up. We just clicked, we completely got each other, it was like meeting the male version of myself. It was pretty obvious to us both that we had to meet and so at the next chance we both got, it happened. I hopped on a train and he jumped in his car. The first few months were perfect, for me at least. There are moments that have been completely engrained in my memory like the first time he touched me, even though it was in his car and accidentally. His hand touched mine and I don’t know how to explain it other than a surge of electricity. I don’t know if he felt it too, but thats when I knew I was in trouble. Or when we went for a walk through the woods, and he took my hand and didn’t let go. I stopped in the middle of what felt like an eternity of trees, he looked at me like no-one has ever looked at me before. I’m pretty sure my heart stopped for a second. To me, he was perfect. He was everything I was looking for and everything I needed. At some point in April, he spoke to me about moving to Bristol and of course, that’s what I wanted. We spent a week and a half in numerous different hotels while we tried to find him somewhere to live and work. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world waking up to him every morning. Writing this has made me realise how quickly this started going south. As soon as he got the job he’s in now, he started changing.

Slowly but surely, gone was the man who wanted to cuddle me to sleep, gone was the man who held my hand while we walked round the shops, gone was the man who would call me just to hear my voice but I clung to the hope that he would show his face again. He didn’t. For months, it’s been like we’ve been just friends with the occasional benefit. He forgot my birthday, wouldn’t touch me, would rarely be seen with me in public, never kissed me, wouldn’t speak to me for days at a time, refused to tell anyone I even existed - which in itself was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I recently moved from Bristol to be closer to him (de ja vu, anyone?), but he hadn't bothered to speak to me since the end of October. I’m not going to say that everything that happened since he moved here has been awful because it hasn’t. Like anyone, we’ve had good times, theres been some days where I just would have given anything to do over. I thought he was it. I thought that I would be with him forever. I was willing to accept all of the bad things, and things he kept from me (you wouldn’t even believe it if I told you) in the hopes that the person I fell so god damn hard for, would come back to me. I would have taken the months of feeling like a burden, or not good enough, or the nights of insecurity for just a glimpse of that person again, but enough was enough. 

 Last week, I was driven to make a decision that I didn’t want to make.

I broke up with him over the phone as he refused to see me due to people saying I had said loads of things about him, which I absolutely haven’t. I couldn’t cope anymore. I couldn’t cope with the fact he would decide I was guilty without even coming to me first. I was flooded with emotions that were frustrating for me because I wasn’t ready to give up on him yet. I wasn’t ready to let go of that perfect person I had met at the start of the year. I’m a firm believer in putting in work, putting in effort to fix something before letting go of it but something clicked in me that day. It became increasingly obvious that this was an impossible task and at the expense of my mental health, self worth and esteem, it wasn’t worth it. Putting 110% of yourself into someone and getting absolutely nothing back is soul destroying. The person I fell in love with didn’t exist anymore, and he’s readily admitted to me that person never existed, it was all an act. I know I’m not perfect. I know I can be difficult, irrational and jealous. I’m not going to say I never did anything wrong, but I definitely didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was in the end. I did nothing but love him completely and loving him ended up being the most exquisite form of self destruction.

I suppose I’m writing this as some form of therapy. Regardless of how much I hurt right now and how I wish things cold have been different, I know I made the right decision. I wish nothing but the best for him and I hope that one day we can be friends because despite what he thinks, he does deserve to be happy. I only wish I could have been the one to give him that, but sometimes you have to take a step back; realise when you need more, when someone can’t give that to you and when giving up is the best option for you both. 

note to charley: you are stronger than you thought.

5 Tips For Surviving a Break-Up | NotetoCharley

Breaking up with someone is never easy, there is no cure for the pain you feel and it's a bloody long process to get back to where you were. As most of you well know,  I'm someone who has gone through a pretty tough break up recently so I thought I would share some things that have made things a little easier for me. This is gonna be a wordy one, so get comfortable.

Surround yourself with positivity.

Look in the mirror and tell yourself how incredible you look today. Infact, tell yourself every day.  Read books in the sun. Try that new restaurant. Have civilised cocktails with the girls or pints with the lads. Travel to a place you've never been before. Buy that lipstick you've been eyeing up recently. Change your bedsheets. Read cute little quotes daily. Get your hair cut. Take up a new hobby. Join the gym. Spend time with your friends and remind yourself of what you enjoyed doing when you were single. Learn to enjoy your own company again. Meet fantastic new people. 

Take advantage of this new beginning and use this time to find yourself, you've probably grown and changed a lot as a person during the time you were with them. Don't dwell on the negativity of the break up, it can only teach you to be a stronger and better person.
P.S. Don't be embarrassed to join Tinder for a bit of an ego boost. It's natural to want to be pandered to when you feel a bit shit and who knows, you could meet some really great people whilst doing so.

Allow yourself to be upset.

Please remember one thing - you are NOT weak because you are upset. Cry. Cry as much as you want. Cry your little heart out. Go through that box of tissues. Grab that tub of Ben&Jerry's, lock yourself in your room for an hour and listen to sad songs. TIP: Taylor Swift has got a few good ones. You will never get over something if you don't face it. Don't try and run from the problem because it will always be waiting for you when you get back. You may have suppressed it along with all of the other things too unbearable to think about but as long as you don't acknowledge it, theres no way you'll be able to move on. Try keeping yourself busy, but allow yourself time to come to terms with it all. Don't ever keep your feelings to yourself. Talk to somebody (I'm always here, go to my contact page if you want to mail me) or write a diary. To any men who may read this, you are not emasculated because you shed a tear or 5 during a break up, you have a heart and feelings too. Do not feel like people will judge you, the ones that do are not worth your time anyway. A break up is a grieving process, you are mourning a love lost and there is absolutely no reason not to be emotional. 

Don't put pressure on yourself to be okay.

Be gentle with yourself, there isn't a magic potion that will make things better, you won't wake up tomorrow and feel whole again. It will hurt like a bitch for a while, but eventually, the pain will ease.  It may feel like nothing can fill the void in your life left by that person but I can assure you, someone will come along, show you how incredible you are and bring the light back into your life. Remember, there will be good and bad days. You may feel 90% better than you did at the beginning but one day something will come at you like a punch in the stomach. At one point in your life, this person was your future, your everything, so a photo or a memory triggered by every day life can hurt like a little motherfucker. Don't worry, it's completely natural to experience this and it doesn't mean you're back at square one. It will get easier, and over time you'll be able to see a photo or reminisce and feel indifferent to it all. I want you to know that I'm so proud that you've not let this get the better of you, take your time and heal. The fact you're still here just shows how strong you are, even if you may not feel it, go you!

Don't ever blame yourself.
If your relationship ended anything like mine, you didn't get a reason why. An absolute dick move by ex partner, if I do say so myself. This leaves you with only one thing to blame... yourself. DON'T DO IT. Don't go there. Don't go down that road, it's so self destructive and it's much harder to come back once you do. It's so common to forget how incredible you are when you've just been broken up with, but don't you dare. Don't forget every quality that makes you unique. There is literally only one of you and the people that are involved in your life are incredibly lucky to be. You are so special. You are kind, caring, funny and you're beautiful too. You were more than good enough, nothing is wrong with you, it just wasn't meant to be. You will find love again and when you do finally meet 'the one', it will be magical.  Try to look at your relationship from an outside perspective, chances are there were tiny little signs that things weren't working as well as you had convinced yourself it was. Relationships aren't always black and white and as much as you crave an answer, you should probably just accept that there isn't one. #Brutalhonestysucks.

Give yourself space. 

I have left this one until last because I cannot stress enough how important it is. Please, if the relationship is definitively over, find the strength to remove them from EVERYTHING (at least for a while...).Yes, everything. I mean snapchat, instagram, facebook, twitter, pinterest, instant messengers. There is a time for the facebook stalk and I can tell you it's not right now. Remove things that remind you of them, delete photos from your albums, and definitely delete their number so the temptation on a drunken night out is gone. Don't try and make them jealous by uploading bangin' photos of yourself and friends, they're not worth it. I know it seems pretty drastic, but I promise you, there is absolutely no way you can begin to heal if you're hounded by reminders of them. Do not torture yourself with their life and how they're doing without you. You are far more important than that, they will never find someone like you again and thats their loss. Focus on you, focus on putting your life back together, focus on reminding yourself how you were happy without them. I know it's hard to let go of the past, the 'ugly' snapchats, the future you had, the way they laughed at your stupid jokes, how they looked next to you in the morning... but it's over and as difficult as it is, you have to accept that. They have. They're out there living life and moving on, remember that you need to too. Don't make it harder for yourself by having a constant reminder.  Oh, and break up sex is never a good idea.

So there you have it, just a couple of the main things that have helped me along the way. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I'm sure as hell on my way.

New Beginnings | "You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great"

It might be a little late, but hello 2015 and what a welcomed sight you are. You might have noticed that I've been a little quiet, well... really bloody quiet recently but I do have my reasons. For months and months, I have wanted to write and now, I finally feel at a point in my life where I can. As most of you know, I moved up to Lincoln early last year with the guy that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, we bought a beautiful house and I even got myself a new job that I loved. I was on top of the world... or so I thought. It was 5:30am late September and I knew that something was wrong. It was over. I don't know why. I don't know what happened. It just was. 

My world fell apart in the space of a few minutes. 

As quick as it happened, I was packing my things and moving into the house we had bought together. It wasn't exactly habitable, but it was something I could work with until the my huge life decision was made. I'm not really sure what possessed me to stay in Lincoln, if I'm honest, I think I just wanted to prove to myself I could... and for a while, I did. Every day was a battle, trying to trick yourself into believing that you're okay and moving on but all you want to do is go home, curl up in bed and pretend you don't exist anymore. I wouldn't eat, I barely slept, I lost myself completely. If there were a path to self destruction, I was on it. It gradually got worse, having at least one anxiety attack a day but eventually I was at a point where I was ready to seek help. I was put on medication for severe depression and anxiety. What I didn't realise at that point is that anti-depressants and diazepam don't make you happy, they make you functional and sometimes, functional isn't enough. After 4 months by myself, not knowing how to cope or what to do, there was a night that I reached rock bottom and I mean, rock bottom. That's when I knew I had to move home and think about myself for once. I had gotten so wrapped up in not wanting to disappoint everyone by giving up and moving home, I forgotten I was living MY life. I wanted to prove to everyone I was strong so badly that I let it affect my health in the worst way.

"It's so melodramatic to say that you have no reason to exist anymore, but that's exactly how I felt. Everything that meant anything to me was ripped from my grasp in an instant. It was like my heart had been removed from my chest, thrown around and stomped on. I'd never felt anything like it. If that's what it is like losing someone you love, I never want to fall in love again. I did everything in my power to stop this happening, yet it wasn't enough. I thought I was set, he was my forever... but forever only exists in fairytales."

Not everything up North was a negative though. I met a beautiful girl who quickly became my best friend. I have only known her for 9 months but she has made an incredible impact on my life and I wouldn't be here today without her. I've been to hell and back but she has been the sunshine in my darkness, my silver lining. It's definitely not about who you've known the longest, but who proves themselves as a true friend, and she has. She has been my rock through everything and I am so glad that I've had the pleasure of meeting her. I also got myself a job that I absolutely fell in love with, and worked with people that I loved even more. You wouldn't expect it at all, but I got a job for Skoda... yes the car company. Meeting new people that I will treasure for the rest of my life and learning a new skill was the best thing for me. I've now got experience in a new field of work, doing something I never thought I would do in my life... I can't even drive.

I moved home on New Years Eve on 2014, and even though I lost everything; my house, my boyfriend, my job, my independence... myself... I have been given a new beginning. Bringing in the new year in Bristol with my family was the best way I could have imagined it. I was exactly where I needed to be. Starting again is the scariest thing I've ever had to do but I feel I am engulfed in a cloud of love and countless chances to create myself again. Now I'm at a point in my life where I'm moving on... no, I'm moving up. I'm learning to love myself, I have a new found confidence and I'm surrounded by the people I love again. 

This is a new chapter of my story, and I can finally say that I'm looking forward to writing it. 

Bring it on, 2015. I'm ready for you. 

If you have read this and need someone to talk to, please go to my contact page and send me an email. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, I am here for you.