know when to let go | november 2016

Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. 

But, I promise you it's not as hard as holding on to someone who will never love you back.

At the beginning of this year, I met someone. He was charming, sweet, funny, kind and had the most gorgeous big blue eyes. We’d stay up talking until it was almost physically impossible to keep our eyes open, usually around 7am we’d bid each other goodnight and gush over how wished we could continue speaking. Anyone who knows me, knows how quickly I fall for someone and I fell. I fell so hard that I didn’t know if I was ever going to get back up. We just clicked, we completely got each other, it was like meeting the male version of myself. It was pretty obvious to us both that we had to meet and so at the next chance we both got, it happened. I hopped on a train and he jumped in his car. The first few months were perfect, for me at least. There are moments that have been completely engrained in my memory like the first time he touched me, even though it was in his car and accidentally. His hand touched mine and I don’t know how to explain it other than a surge of electricity. I don’t know if he felt it too, but thats when I knew I was in trouble. Or when we went for a walk through the woods, and he took my hand and didn’t let go. I stopped in the middle of what felt like an eternity of trees, he looked at me like no-one has ever looked at me before. I’m pretty sure my heart stopped for a second. To me, he was perfect. He was everything I was looking for and everything I needed. At some point in April, he spoke to me about moving to Bristol and of course, that’s what I wanted. We spent a week and a half in numerous different hotels while we tried to find him somewhere to live and work. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world waking up to him every morning. Writing this has made me realise how quickly this started going south. As soon as he got the job he’s in now, he started changing.

Slowly but surely, gone was the man who wanted to cuddle me to sleep, gone was the man who held my hand while we walked round the shops, gone was the man who would call me just to hear my voice but I clung to the hope that he would show his face again. He didn’t. For months, it’s been like we’ve been just friends with the occasional benefit. He forgot my birthday, wouldn’t touch me, would rarely be seen with me in public, never kissed me, wouldn’t speak to me for days at a time, refused to tell anyone I even existed - which in itself was enough to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I recently moved from Bristol to be closer to him (de ja vu, anyone?), but he hadn't bothered to speak to me since the end of October. I’m not going to say that everything that happened since he moved here has been awful because it hasn’t. Like anyone, we’ve had good times, theres been some days where I just would have given anything to do over. I thought he was it. I thought that I would be with him forever. I was willing to accept all of the bad things, and things he kept from me (you wouldn’t even believe it if I told you) in the hopes that the person I fell so god damn hard for, would come back to me. I would have taken the months of feeling like a burden, or not good enough, or the nights of insecurity for just a glimpse of that person again, but enough was enough. 

 Last week, I was driven to make a decision that I didn’t want to make.

I broke up with him over the phone as he refused to see me due to people saying I had said loads of things about him, which I absolutely haven’t. I couldn’t cope anymore. I couldn’t cope with the fact he would decide I was guilty without even coming to me first. I was flooded with emotions that were frustrating for me because I wasn’t ready to give up on him yet. I wasn’t ready to let go of that perfect person I had met at the start of the year. I’m a firm believer in putting in work, putting in effort to fix something before letting go of it but something clicked in me that day. It became increasingly obvious that this was an impossible task and at the expense of my mental health, self worth and esteem, it wasn’t worth it. Putting 110% of yourself into someone and getting absolutely nothing back is soul destroying. The person I fell in love with didn’t exist anymore, and he’s readily admitted to me that person never existed, it was all an act. I know I’m not perfect. I know I can be difficult, irrational and jealous. I’m not going to say I never did anything wrong, but I definitely didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was in the end. I did nothing but love him completely and loving him ended up being the most exquisite form of self destruction.

I suppose I’m writing this as some form of therapy. Regardless of how much I hurt right now and how I wish things cold have been different, I know I made the right decision. I wish nothing but the best for him and I hope that one day we can be friends because despite what he thinks, he does deserve to be happy. I only wish I could have been the one to give him that, but sometimes you have to take a step back; realise when you need more, when someone can’t give that to you and when giving up is the best option for you both. 

note to charley: you are stronger than you thought.

5 Tips For Surviving a Break-Up | NotetoCharley

Breaking up with someone is never easy, there is no cure for the pain you feel and it's a bloody long process to get back to where you were. As most of you well know,  I'm someone who has gone through a pretty tough break up recently so I thought I would share some things that have made things a little easier for me. This is gonna be a wordy one, so get comfortable.

Surround yourself with positivity.

Look in the mirror and tell yourself how incredible you look today. Infact, tell yourself every day.  Read books in the sun. Try that new restaurant. Have civilised cocktails with the girls or pints with the lads. Travel to a place you've never been before. Buy that lipstick you've been eyeing up recently. Change your bedsheets. Read cute little quotes daily. Get your hair cut. Take up a new hobby. Join the gym. Spend time with your friends and remind yourself of what you enjoyed doing when you were single. Learn to enjoy your own company again. Meet fantastic new people. 

Take advantage of this new beginning and use this time to find yourself, you've probably grown and changed a lot as a person during the time you were with them. Don't dwell on the negativity of the break up, it can only teach you to be a stronger and better person.
P.S. Don't be embarrassed to join Tinder for a bit of an ego boost. It's natural to want to be pandered to when you feel a bit shit and who knows, you could meet some really great people whilst doing so.

Allow yourself to be upset.

Please remember one thing - you are NOT weak because you are upset. Cry. Cry as much as you want. Cry your little heart out. Go through that box of tissues. Grab that tub of Ben&Jerry's, lock yourself in your room for an hour and listen to sad songs. TIP: Taylor Swift has got a few good ones. You will never get over something if you don't face it. Don't try and run from the problem because it will always be waiting for you when you get back. You may have suppressed it along with all of the other things too unbearable to think about but as long as you don't acknowledge it, theres no way you'll be able to move on. Try keeping yourself busy, but allow yourself time to come to terms with it all. Don't ever keep your feelings to yourself. Talk to somebody (I'm always here, go to my contact page if you want to mail me) or write a diary. To any men who may read this, you are not emasculated because you shed a tear or 5 during a break up, you have a heart and feelings too. Do not feel like people will judge you, the ones that do are not worth your time anyway. A break up is a grieving process, you are mourning a love lost and there is absolutely no reason not to be emotional. 

Don't put pressure on yourself to be okay.

Be gentle with yourself, there isn't a magic potion that will make things better, you won't wake up tomorrow and feel whole again. It will hurt like a bitch for a while, but eventually, the pain will ease.  It may feel like nothing can fill the void in your life left by that person but I can assure you, someone will come along, show you how incredible you are and bring the light back into your life. Remember, there will be good and bad days. You may feel 90% better than you did at the beginning but one day something will come at you like a punch in the stomach. At one point in your life, this person was your future, your everything, so a photo or a memory triggered by every day life can hurt like a little motherfucker. Don't worry, it's completely natural to experience this and it doesn't mean you're back at square one. It will get easier, and over time you'll be able to see a photo or reminisce and feel indifferent to it all. I want you to know that I'm so proud that you've not let this get the better of you, take your time and heal. The fact you're still here just shows how strong you are, even if you may not feel it, go you!

Don't ever blame yourself.
If your relationship ended anything like mine, you didn't get a reason why. An absolute dick move by ex partner, if I do say so myself. This leaves you with only one thing to blame... yourself. DON'T DO IT. Don't go there. Don't go down that road, it's so self destructive and it's much harder to come back once you do. It's so common to forget how incredible you are when you've just been broken up with, but don't you dare. Don't forget every quality that makes you unique. There is literally only one of you and the people that are involved in your life are incredibly lucky to be. You are so special. You are kind, caring, funny and you're beautiful too. You were more than good enough, nothing is wrong with you, it just wasn't meant to be. You will find love again and when you do finally meet 'the one', it will be magical.  Try to look at your relationship from an outside perspective, chances are there were tiny little signs that things weren't working as well as you had convinced yourself it was. Relationships aren't always black and white and as much as you crave an answer, you should probably just accept that there isn't one. #Brutalhonestysucks.

Give yourself space. 

I have left this one until last because I cannot stress enough how important it is. Please, if the relationship is definitively over, find the strength to remove them from EVERYTHING (at least for a while...).Yes, everything. I mean snapchat, instagram, facebook, twitter, pinterest, instant messengers. There is a time for the facebook stalk and I can tell you it's not right now. Remove things that remind you of them, delete photos from your albums, and definitely delete their number so the temptation on a drunken night out is gone. Don't try and make them jealous by uploading bangin' photos of yourself and friends, they're not worth it. I know it seems pretty drastic, but I promise you, there is absolutely no way you can begin to heal if you're hounded by reminders of them. Do not torture yourself with their life and how they're doing without you. You are far more important than that, they will never find someone like you again and thats their loss. Focus on you, focus on putting your life back together, focus on reminding yourself how you were happy without them. I know it's hard to let go of the past, the 'ugly' snapchats, the future you had, the way they laughed at your stupid jokes, how they looked next to you in the morning... but it's over and as difficult as it is, you have to accept that. They have. They're out there living life and moving on, remember that you need to too. Don't make it harder for yourself by having a constant reminder.  Oh, and break up sex is never a good idea.

So there you have it, just a couple of the main things that have helped me along the way. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I'm sure as hell on my way.

New Beginnings | "You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great"

It might be a little late, but hello 2015 and what a welcomed sight you are. You might have noticed that I've been a little quiet, well... really bloody quiet recently but I do have my reasons. For months and months, I have wanted to write and now, I finally feel at a point in my life where I can. As most of you know, I moved up to Lincoln early last year with the guy that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, we bought a beautiful house and I even got myself a new job that I loved. I was on top of the world... or so I thought. It was 5:30am late September and I knew that something was wrong. It was over. I don't know why. I don't know what happened. It just was. 

My world fell apart in the space of a few minutes. 

As quick as it happened, I was packing my things and moving into the house we had bought together. It wasn't exactly habitable, but it was something I could work with until the my huge life decision was made. I'm not really sure what possessed me to stay in Lincoln, if I'm honest, I think I just wanted to prove to myself I could... and for a while, I did. Every day was a battle, trying to trick yourself into believing that you're okay and moving on but all you want to do is go home, curl up in bed and pretend you don't exist anymore. I wouldn't eat, I barely slept, I lost myself completely. If there were a path to self destruction, I was on it. It gradually got worse, having at least one anxiety attack a day but eventually I was at a point where I was ready to seek help. I was put on medication for severe depression and anxiety. What I didn't realise at that point is that anti-depressants and diazepam don't make you happy, they make you functional and sometimes, functional isn't enough. After 4 months by myself, not knowing how to cope or what to do, there was a night that I reached rock bottom and I mean, rock bottom. That's when I knew I had to move home and think about myself for once. I had gotten so wrapped up in not wanting to disappoint everyone by giving up and moving home, I forgotten I was living MY life. I wanted to prove to everyone I was strong so badly that I let it affect my health in the worst way.

"It's so melodramatic to say that you have no reason to exist anymore, but that's exactly how I felt. Everything that meant anything to me was ripped from my grasp in an instant. It was like my heart had been removed from my chest, thrown around and stomped on. I'd never felt anything like it. If that's what it is like losing someone you love, I never want to fall in love again. I did everything in my power to stop this happening, yet it wasn't enough. I thought I was set, he was my forever... but forever only exists in fairytales."

Not everything up North was a negative though. I met a beautiful girl who quickly became my best friend. I have only known her for 9 months but she has made an incredible impact on my life and I wouldn't be here today without her. I've been to hell and back but she has been the sunshine in my darkness, my silver lining. It's definitely not about who you've known the longest, but who proves themselves as a true friend, and she has. She has been my rock through everything and I am so glad that I've had the pleasure of meeting her. I also got myself a job that I absolutely fell in love with, and worked with people that I loved even more. You wouldn't expect it at all, but I got a job for Skoda... yes the car company. Meeting new people that I will treasure for the rest of my life and learning a new skill was the best thing for me. I've now got experience in a new field of work, doing something I never thought I would do in my life... I can't even drive.

I moved home on New Years Eve on 2014, and even though I lost everything; my house, my boyfriend, my job, my independence... myself... I have been given a new beginning. Bringing in the new year in Bristol with my family was the best way I could have imagined it. I was exactly where I needed to be. Starting again is the scariest thing I've ever had to do but I feel I am engulfed in a cloud of love and countless chances to create myself again. Now I'm at a point in my life where I'm moving on... no, I'm moving up. I'm learning to love myself, I have a new found confidence and I'm surrounded by the people I love again. 

This is a new chapter of my story, and I can finally say that I'm looking forward to writing it. 

Bring it on, 2015. I'm ready for you. 

If you have read this and need someone to talk to, please go to my contact page and send me an email. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, I am here for you. 

Love Is Golden | "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting twobodies."

At the weekend my grandparents celebrated their Golden Wedding anniversary. How amazing is that? 50 years putting up with the good, the bad and the ugly from the person you love, dealing with imperfections as though they don't exist. That's what love is, isn't it? Seeing through the flaws because the good is just so much better. I always thought that being in love would be easy, a really smooth ride, but it isn't. If it was, it would be boring. You have to fight through the bad times to really appreciate the good ones. We are so obsessed with the idea of 'Prince Charming' that we forget that he doesn't exist. If you really do love someone, you'll love who they really are, not who you want them to be. 

Love is special, and a love as special as my grandparents is one that should be cherished. We arranged a large party for the whole family to get together to celebrate the most wonderful couple we know. Family flew over from Ireland and travelled from parts of the UK to be there which goes to show how much we care about them. Over the years, they've continually shown every family member and friend an unlimited amount of care and affection, and that day we all came together to shown them our gratitude for everything they've done for us. Being a big Irish family there was mountains of food, a beautiful cake and plenty of drink. As the night progressed, the alcohol flowed and we all found ourselves dancing (I have a video on my instagram) in a big circle to an Irish folk band. That was my Nan's idea of course, and boy was it a great one. It was such a brilliant night, I'd do it again in a heartbeat (even if I woke up with a fuzzy head...).

I feel so privileged to have been bought up in such a strong, loving family. Anyone that knows my grandparents have nothing but nice things to say about them. I quote "They are one of a kind", and it's true. Their generosity and dedication to their loved ones always amazes me, we could be taking them out for a meal, and the naughty grandparents will insist on paying. If anyone needed help, they'd make sure that they could do something, no matter how busy they may already be. No matter who you are, you will be welcomed into their home with open arms. Infact, if someone was to just turn up when we're having a get together at their house they'd be asked to join us. During the Christmas period, family and all our close friends (it starts as 10 people and soon enough there are 30 throughout the day...) are invited to a boxing day banquet at their beautiful home, (my nan can't just cook for a few people, she'll make enough to feed 100 people). We will drink, gorge ourselves on divine food and play quiz games until the early morning. I wouldn't change my family for anything. Why would I when they're already the best I could ask for? 

50 years is a huge milestone. Marriages never seem to last these days and I don't know if it's down to people jumping in too quickly, not being as in love as they think or just the time we live in now. My grandparents got married a year after they started dating, and my Granddad said he loves her as much now as he did back then. We were talking about how they met and when he knew she was the one, he lit up, the smile across his face was that of a child in a sweet shop. Seeing just how much they love each other really makes my heart melt. Theirs is a love like no other. You know when you just know someone is with their soulmate? It's like that with those two. They bicker, they argue, they laugh, they smile. They are simply perfect for each other. If I could be as happy and in love with Danny in 50 years time as they are now, I will be one happy old lady. 

SuperMum | "All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my mother."

As you are probably aware by now, I'm moving out in a few weeks and the thing I'm most nervous about is leaving my wonderful mother. My mum is the strongest woman I've ever met, but there is just something unnerving about leaving and her being the only woman of the house. Wether that be leaving her to be the one to clean up pee from the toilet seat, or have no-one to talk about women things to. I just never want her to feel alone.

I can't claim to have been the perfect child, because I wasn't. I was moody, irrational and remember saying disgusting things (shudder) I would have never have said if it weren't the heat of the moment. Mum always stood by me though. She may have sent me to my room and told me off, taken my phone away or banned me from the internet. I might have slammed my door shut, screamed at her and thrown a temper tantrum but everything she did was for my benefit, and I don't think we really understand that until we're older. All of what we have been through together has moulded me into the person I am today, and if there is anything she should be proud of, it's that.

I don't know about you, but my mum would do anything to ensure my happiness. Over the years she has given me everything I could have dreamed of and more. When I was tiny, I took up Irish Dancing. This was not a cheap hobby, but she made it work. Dresses were in the hundreds, fake tan, wigs, dancing shoes, socks... It all amounted to a lot of money that we didn't really have but that never stopped my mother from helping me pursue my dreams. Then from the ages of 11 to 18, I was part of a theatre school and went there every weekend. Mummy P would drive me to and from these lessons every saturday and pay the money required, sometimes having to pick up extra shifts to be able to cover the cost. She'd take weekends off work to come to London to watch me perform in shows, even though it would cost her an arm and a leg. She encouraged me constantly to be the best performer I could be and fulfil my dreams. Money wasn't an issue for her because the reward was so much greater. That's the sort of person my mother is. There is nothing she would not do for her children.

It sounds cliche to say that my mum is my best friend, but she really is. She is the one person who has been there for me through everything from the very beginning and there is nothing I can say to thank her for that. She carried me for 9 months, cradled me for years and stuck by me when things got tough. She is a super-mum. When I have felt like there is nothing left to live for, she reminds me how strong she is and how I can be that way too. If I turn out to be half the mother she is to me and my brothers, I will be one hell of a mum.

This lady is the most warm, loving mother I could ask for and I wouldn't change her for the world. There is no-one in this universe that could even come close to her. 

Note to Charley: Tell mother how much you love her everyday.

Post Valentines Day | "A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love."

I've never been too much a fan of Valentines day, not because it's so commercialised it hurts my eyes, but because I don't want to feel confined to telling my boyfriend I love him once a year.

Me and Danny had decided that we weren't buying each other anything this year because we're trying to save money for a house. 5pm came, he arrived at my house with a bunch of a dozen red roses and a huge smile on his face. What a sweetheart...Boyfriend points awarded. I wasn't expecting it at all. I felt so guilty that I hadn't gotten him anything so I purchased two Kinder Eggs for him later that day. They have new Marvel toys in them and anyone that knows us is aware that we have a bit of an obsession. Ironman is my weakness. Already, this Valentines day was the best one I'd had. We jumped into his car and sped off to the shops in search of food for the weekend. Danny wanted to cook me steak, but went we to ASDA and Lidl were completely out. Our last hope was CO-OP... finally, I laid my eyes on a glorious Sirloin and all was well in the world again.

We didn't get to spend much of Friday together as he travels down from work, so we had made the decision to celebrate Valentines on Saturday instead. Bristol Zoo had an offer for a 'cheep' date (£20 for 2 people) so we headed there for the day. I used to go to the Zoo as a child nearly every weekend as we had an annual pass but I hadn't been for so long and I really wanted to go again before leaving Bristol, possibly for good. Danny was good enough to take me (and pay) even though he really doesn't like Zoo's or anything similar. Boyfriend points awarded again. The weather in the South has been absolutely awful the past few weeks, with most of the surrounding areas of Bristol being underwater. Luckily, the sun was shining for the most part of the morning and we got to enjoy our trip without ending up looking like drowned rats. We got to see the Lions feeding (you can see a photo above) and the Gorillas in their new exhibit. It's absolutely incredible.
After we had finished at the Zoo, we went to go and get some food. Forgetting it was a Saturday and the day after V-day, everywhere we wanted to go was booked up all day. We had been looking forward to going to The Burger Joint in Clifton for weeks, so both of us were quite disappointed when we couldn't treat ourselves to the biggest burgers ever. Knowing we had to go to a few shops anyway, we drove into Cabot Circus and gorged ourselves on pizza and burgers from Frankie & Bennys. Yum.

Valentines day still isn't my favourite holiday, but it's honestly been the best weekend I've had in such a long time. Times like these make me realise just how much my boyfriend means to me, and how much I love being in love with him. Say 'I love you' everyday, you never know if you'll get the chance to say it again. People take love for granted so often. It's so important to remind yourself of why you fell for someone in the first place, because sometimes it can get lost in the madness of our lives.

Long Distance Relationships | "Distance means so little, when someone means so much."

Sunday. My least favourite day of the week.

It's that time again, Danny has left to go back to work for the week. 120 miles apart (he always says it's not 'long distance', but 120 miles is pretty bloody far), 5 days a week. I long for the days where we can wake up together every morning and fall asleep in each others arms in the evening. After two and a bit years of barely seeing each other during the week, we are looking at moving in with each other in the next few months, which means I don't have too much longer to wait.

With Danny being in the military, I'm fully aware that our situation could be one hundred times worse. He could be jetting around the world, but he is only halfway across the country. People try and make a point of saying 'it could be worse', but just because it could be, it doesn't mean what we do isn't hard too. I find comfort in thinking that there are only about 12 weekends left before we take the first step into buying a house together. We've made it this far without spending every second of the day with each other, we can make it through this.

Even though long distance relationships are hard (...really hard), they do have their benefits. You get your own space, miss each other throughout the week which makes the friday night cuddles even better and appreciate the time you spend together so much more. Just knowing that he is travelling down, blasting my One Direction album, to my house at 3pm on a Friday makes me so warm inside. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that. Butterflies still swarm my stomach when I open the door and he's there with a little grin on his face. Basically, 2 years on and we're still in the honeymoon period, it's great. We've been together since we were 19 and have done so much growing up. It's almost as if we're morphing into proper adults. Eeek. Recently, we've begun planning the next stage of our relationship, moving into a house, for me that just cements what we have. I'm getting all giddy just thinking about it.

However, spending the majority of your time without the one you love is hard. You spend hours just wishing they could be with you because you're having a bad day. Everything around reminds you of them. With Danny being so far away so much of the time, my insecurities are sky high. It's not easy at all to control them, but it's something I have to try to do. A long distance relationship won't work unless you make them. There has to be effort put in and compromises made. I never saw myself in a relationship like this, but now that I am, I couldn't imagine anything else. He is everything to me, and even though I don't get to see him everyday, the time we do see each other is so special. I try to make every second count. Just waking up, cuddled into him, on a Saturday and Sunday morning makes the days spent without him a bit better.

Are long distance relationships worth it? Definitely. Don't completely write off a relationship with someone that lives miles away. If you do, you'll never know if that person was 'the one'.

Are any of you in a situation like this? How do you cope?