New Beginnings | "You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great"

It might be a little late, but hello 2015 and what a welcomed sight you are. You might have noticed that I've been a little quiet, well... really bloody quiet recently but I do have my reasons. For months and months, I have wanted to write and now, I finally feel at a point in my life where I can. As most of you know, I moved up to Lincoln early last year with the guy that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, we bought a beautiful house and I even got myself a new job that I loved. I was on top of the world... or so I thought. It was 5:30am late September and I knew that something was wrong. It was over. I don't know why. I don't know what happened. It just was. 

My world fell apart in the space of a few minutes. 

As quick as it happened, I was packing my things and moving into the house we had bought together. It wasn't exactly habitable, but it was something I could work with until the my huge life decision was made. I'm not really sure what possessed me to stay in Lincoln, if I'm honest, I think I just wanted to prove to myself I could... and for a while, I did. Every day was a battle, trying to trick yourself into believing that you're okay and moving on but all you want to do is go home, curl up in bed and pretend you don't exist anymore. I wouldn't eat, I barely slept, I lost myself completely. If there were a path to self destruction, I was on it. It gradually got worse, having at least one anxiety attack a day but eventually I was at a point where I was ready to seek help. I was put on medication for severe depression and anxiety. What I didn't realise at that point is that anti-depressants and diazepam don't make you happy, they make you functional and sometimes, functional isn't enough. After 4 months by myself, not knowing how to cope or what to do, there was a night that I reached rock bottom and I mean, rock bottom. That's when I knew I had to move home and think about myself for once. I had gotten so wrapped up in not wanting to disappoint everyone by giving up and moving home, I forgotten I was living MY life. I wanted to prove to everyone I was strong so badly that I let it affect my health in the worst way.

"It's so melodramatic to say that you have no reason to exist anymore, but that's exactly how I felt. Everything that meant anything to me was ripped from my grasp in an instant. It was like my heart had been removed from my chest, thrown around and stomped on. I'd never felt anything like it. If that's what it is like losing someone you love, I never want to fall in love again. I did everything in my power to stop this happening, yet it wasn't enough. I thought I was set, he was my forever... but forever only exists in fairytales."

Not everything up North was a negative though. I met a beautiful girl who quickly became my best friend. I have only known her for 9 months but she has made an incredible impact on my life and I wouldn't be here today without her. I've been to hell and back but she has been the sunshine in my darkness, my silver lining. It's definitely not about who you've known the longest, but who proves themselves as a true friend, and she has. She has been my rock through everything and I am so glad that I've had the pleasure of meeting her. I also got myself a job that I absolutely fell in love with, and worked with people that I loved even more. You wouldn't expect it at all, but I got a job for Skoda... yes the car company. Meeting new people that I will treasure for the rest of my life and learning a new skill was the best thing for me. I've now got experience in a new field of work, doing something I never thought I would do in my life... I can't even drive.

I moved home on New Years Eve on 2014, and even though I lost everything; my house, my boyfriend, my job, my independence... myself... I have been given a new beginning. Bringing in the new year in Bristol with my family was the best way I could have imagined it. I was exactly where I needed to be. Starting again is the scariest thing I've ever had to do but I feel I am engulfed in a cloud of love and countless chances to create myself again. Now I'm at a point in my life where I'm moving on... no, I'm moving up. I'm learning to love myself, I have a new found confidence and I'm surrounded by the people I love again. 

This is a new chapter of my story, and I can finally say that I'm looking forward to writing it. 

Bring it on, 2015. I'm ready for you. 

If you have read this and need someone to talk to, please go to my contact page and send me an email. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, I am here for you. 

Growing Up | "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

Growing up is never easy, no matter who you are or what sort of life you have. If you say you had it easy, I will say you're lying. It's crazy to think that I've been alive for 21 years and every year there has been one thing or another that stopped me in my tracks. Childhood is where we learn the basics of the life we are heading into and we spend the majority of the first 10 years of our life being force fed information on things we really don't understand. All we want to do is pretend to be planes or draw on walls. We don't care about how to join up letters or how Moses parted the sea. It's so important to be told that it's okay to make mistakes and that it is an essential part of growing up. Learning from mistakes when you're younger can only give you more time to develop and remind yourself that what you did didn't work out. 

Primary school for me was just 7 years of having religion shoved down my throat. That's the problem with going to a catholic primary school, I suppose. We aren't given the space and opportunity to have our own opinion. From such a young age we are being encouraged to think about our futures and we shouldn't be. Childhood is for innocence and being silly - not for deciding you want to be an accountant. I'm in my second decade of life and I don't even know what I want to do yet. 

I was one of the early developers in my class in school and that made it really difficult. Being the oldest sibling, I had no-one to talk to about what I was going through. I didn't know what was happening with my body and it confused me. People would make fun of me because I wore a bra and I was taller than most people in my class (unfortunately I stopped growing that year and I'm stuck at 5'2). Instead of playing with my 'friends' in the playground, I would sit in the reception with the women and draw pictures because going outside, not knowing what people would say was terrifying. I was only 10 years old and there was already people telling me what I looked like was 'wrong for a girl'. It was upsetting. What kind of person would tell an impressionable young girl that having meat on her bones is wrong? We don't all look like Barbie, and nor should we.

I couldn't shake what people had said to me for a long time. Self esteem was something I was hardly aware of and already I had none. I wore baggy clothes to hide my breasts, a jacket to hide my arms and I would be dead before I was seen in a skirt. I put on weight and even though I hated how big I had become, but I would keep comfort eating. It was a vicious circle. Sad because fat, eat because sad, sad because fat. 

Going into secondary school, I was nervous about what was ahead of me. I made sure I had the biggest uniform and looking back now I realise it made me look bigger than I was - not a good move guys. I was ginger, had braces and was fat. Not exactly the best way to start a new school, I guess. The nicknames soon began. There was tin teeth, boing boing, carrot top… They say that sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. They were wrong. They hurt. 

Moving into the higher years of secondary school, it became apparent that something was wrong with me. I was making myself sick so I didn't have to go to school, I felt empty and regretfully, started self harming. Fortunately, I was aware that I needed help. I started going to a counsellor and she helped me a bit, but I felt extremely patronised by her and decided that it wasn't for me. Trying my best to get on with life, I knuckled down and got good grades in my GCSE's. The feelings of emptiness and worthlessness never went away, I just managed them. Sometimes it seems like it is impossible to put them to the back of your mind, but I promise you, it will get easier.

Something that really affected me in college was a set of 'awards' given out at the end of our time there. Luckily enough I found out that I had won 'biggest attention seeker' voted for by all my year. I never thought people could be so cruel. Needless to say, I didn't attend the ceremony and have barely spoken to any of them since. 

School wasn't all that bad though. I had some amazing experiences and I wouldn't change them for the world. Learning a new language, meeting some amazing people, getting to go to a different country, writing songs that people would then cover and performing numerous plays and pantomimes (I actually got to be the female lead once and it made me feel incredible. I never thought I was good enough until that day). Experiencing bullying and depression in school has only made me into a stronger person today and as much as I would have liked to have enjoyed my time at school, I cannot thank it enough for the lessons it has taught me. 

The working world is much more mature environment although there is aspects that feel like you're still in the school playground. Earning your own money and accepting a responsibility is the one of the first steps you take being a proper 'grown up', unless you went to uni which I refused to do, but I'll pick up on the topic of uni another time… I've worked since I was 17. A year was spent in McDonalds which was actually great fun and then moved to Wetherspoon. You learn a lot working in a pub, meeting so many different people and all with different stories to tell. I hope that when I am old and grey, I'll be the one with the stories. I am still pretty new to this stage of my life, so I don't have too much to say on the matter but I am the happiest I've been in a long time. 

We come into life as a blank canvas and everything we experience is written in our skin. The bruises and scars we accumulate over the years are just signs that we had a tough time and we got through it. We are strong. YOU are strong. 

I really don't want this blog to come across as self centred and all about me. You are not alone in what you have gone through. My thoughts writing this were that if people saw that I had gone through rubbish, they would feel more comfortable talking to me about it if they thought they had no-one.  Please, please, PLEASE, if you feel the way I (and many others) have, do NOT hesitate to contact me. My facebook and twitter are at the top of this page.